#introspective as hell

[star-struck09]

Do you think of me as often as I think of you?

[elene78-blog]

Jeremy is the ultimate trauma for a "halfway normal family." The absent father, whom Jeremy always waits for and for whom he works so hard, hoping he'll come back and tell him how proud he is of him and how much he loves him even though he was never there (and this will never happen). The mother, more concerned with the image of the perfect family than with her children's ailments and worries, frivolous, who leaves everything in the hands of hired help instead of taking care of her little ones.

The stepfather, whom Jeremy doesn't approve of (at first because he's still waiting for that father who will never return, but he's somewhat happy with his crumbs), and, of course, the stepfather who doesn't approve of Jeremy either. A stranger who suddenly moves into their home encourages their mother to withdraw even further from her children and tries to violently control him when she doesn't even know who he is (nor does she care).

The siblings: 3 younger brothers and 1 older brother. The eldest is cold and tries to adapt to his new life and take advantage of its advantages. The younger siblings seek out Jeremy, the second-oldest, who still provides warmth and affection. He cares for them when no one else does. Analisse attends all the games of her brother, who always worries about her and supports her in the beginning of her modeling career. Joshua asks Jeremy to try to help Noah, the younger brother, because he knows their parents and Bryson won't do anything. Jeremy tries, but his parents ignore him. Jeremy starts paying more attention to Noah, Joshua, and Annalisse. He even tries to make Bryson feel better about the younger siblings always turning to him instead of their older brother, but Bryson is distancing himself from them, and every time they talk, they argue.

Jeremy starts to get tired of it all, especially after accepting, completely alone, that he likes men and doesn't know how to handle it. He flirts with sex, but his alarm bells ring in situations he doesn't know how to handle. Unfortunately, he also doesn't have anyone to talk to about it because his high school and family circles aren't exactly gay-friendly.

Jeremy is a little pissed off, but he tries to control himself because his siblings need support. This only makes him feel more tired, irritated, and alone.

Bryson hates Jeremy because his younger siblings are on his side and because he's earned the nickname "sunshine boy" at school for his (more fake than real) cheerfulness, but Bryson knows Jeremy is about to fall. He knows Jeremy smokes marijuana sometimes, that he drinks when he goes out, and he suspects he's hiding something else, though he doesn't know what.

Bryson and Annalisse's accident happens.

They need intensive care at home, and although a nurse is hired to care for them, Annalisse hates her, and Bryson isn't happy about it either. Jeremy moves between the two, but Noah is also worse off. Trent isn't answering calls, and his grandfather and stepfather are campaigning for the accident to take advantage of the tragedy. Secretly, Jeremy smokes more marijuana with unsavory company, and one day, Bryson gives him one of his painkillers.

Jeremy relaxes after months of tension and chaos. Jeremy cries in secret. Jeremy calls his father. Trent doesn't answer, but sometimes Jeremy finds comfort in his father's voice on the answering machine.

Bryson and Annalisse are slowly recovering, but by then Bryson and Jeremy are looking for ways to get more painkillers. At first, it's just to relax, to avoid thinking.

Not thinking soon becomes Jeremy's way of escaping. That, and some harmless sex (although drugged sex isn't, by any means, harmless, but Jeremy doesn't see it as a problem according to their "not thinking" dynamic; he always uses protection, and he thinks that's enough). Noah is getting worse. Jeremy tries to comfort him and be with him, but he finds it much harder to concentrate, and his parents continue to ignore him. Joshua is worried. He's the first to notice Jeremy's change in attitude—more chaotic, more irritated, and sometimes without much sense. But he doesn't ask. He needs Jeremy to be okay because they can't afford for him not to be. Jeremy is the only brother Joshua trusts.

Everything is "going well" when Bryson shows up with cocaine.

Jeremy falls like a house of cards.

He's sober on the court, though he's breaking out in a cold sweat and isn't at his best. Rhemann tells him he can do more, and that he seems absent. Jeremy downplays it, but Rhemann is suspicious. So is Cody. Laila, with whom he's struck up a close friendship (a balm of relief in their loneliness) is worried.

But at this point Jeremy only thinks about the exhilarating, unstoppable feeling cocaine gives him (and ignores the emotional breakdown that follows, which sometimes makes him cry under the shower with the water scalding hot).

There's going to be a banquet. Some people he knows invite him to an after-party. Jeremy wonders if it's a good idea, because he recently turned 18, and all the players attending are older than him. He knows what's going to happen there. Jeremy isn't an idiot.

But there will be cocaine, and his mind clouds over knowing this.

With Noah's condition worsening, his mother tells Jeremy to take him to the banquet, hoping it will cheer him up and take his "nonsense" away. Jeremy thinks it's not a good idea. Noah doesn't need people around him to overwhelm him, just professional help, but his mother insists and reminds him that he's responsible for his brothers because Bryson isn't as "capable" as he is.

Jeremy gives in, intoxicated by the crumbs of his mother's love, and takes Noah with him. He watches over him the whole time, sober, though trembling and constantly uneasy. Dexter asks him again if he's going to the after-party. Jeremy says no, that he has to take care of his little brother. Dexter insists he leave him asleep at the hotel and go with them. They have a lot of "jelly beans," and Jeremy seems to need them badly.

Jeremy is very tempted, but refuses again.

At the hotel, Jeremy is on the verge of collapse. Withdrawal hits him like a train, causing him to curl up in the shower, fully clothed, looking for relief. He gets another insistent text telling him what to expect at the party.

Jeremy checks to see that Noah is still glued to the TV and tells him he's going out for a while. He tells him to call him on his cell phone if anything happens, but he'll be back soon. He asks him if he's okay with that. Noah looks at him and smiles from ear to ear, which reassures Jeremy greatly. He seems happier than he has in the last three months. Noah tells him he'll be fine and will call him if he needs anything.

Jeremy leaves.

Jeremy barely remembers anything he did because he went straight for the cocaine, before taking off his clothes. He knew that left him in a very vulnerable position, but he couldn't think of anything else.

He didn't think that would happen. No, he didn't. Maybe, if he hadn't been so blinded by his need for cocaine, he would have thought about it, but he didn't.

They told him at the police station when he started to wake up.

Jeremy remembers starting to cry while having a panic attack. He couldn't breathe or move because he was handcuffed. The police said something like, "Are you crying now? Is the party over? You should have thought of that before," as he choked.

His mother arrived with Warren hours later. He was in the cell, hugging himself and freezing to death (he was wearing only pants). Jeremy still hadn't stopped crying, and when they took him out of the cell, Jeremy struggled to stay in. He couldn't look his mother in the face, couldn't stop thinking about Noah telling him he'd call if there was any problem, over and over again.

Mathilda slapped him repeatedly across the face. The first and only time she hit him. He couldn't stop while Jeremy said, "Mom, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

They didn't take him home. They pulled up outside a rehabilitation center. They already had some of his clothes in the trunk when they arrived. They took him out of the car and admitted him while Jeremy cried and thrashed. He was sure he'd been abandoned because of what he'd done. This thought lingered throughout his stay because no one in his family called him or came to see him.

Jeremy didn't go to Noah's funeral. His parents wouldn't allow it. They wanted to give the impression that he was recovering and deeply upset, which was true. His biological father attended the funeral, but didn't go to see him.

When Cody, Laila, and Xavier went to see him, when Rhemann did to tell him he wasn't alone and that they were waiting for him to come back when he felt better, Jeremy told them his parents and siblings called him often. He was too embarrassed to say that no one wanted to see him.

They knew it anyway.

Jeremy could say that everything got better when he got out of rehab.

He says it.

Jeremy is so used to lying to himself that he believes his own lie.

[silasplaskett]

langdon and mel falling in love after his wife divorces him while he’s in rehab is OUT. langdon and santos becoming begrudging roommates thru a craigslist ad after his wife forces him to move out is IN.

[shallowseeker]

“but shal, how could crowley have slept with naomi when fergus macleod wasn’t alive yet????”

well. for starters, “mesopotamia” could’ve just been a general poetic.

but also could be as simple as… he didn’t.

he has intel on her. and he’s posturing, as usual. because that’s what crowley does.

double entendres and innuendos are his weapons of choice to sow distrust, suspicion, discomfort, derision. to put you off balance, if he can. (and if that fails, he’ll switch to insults or, at worst, incessant goading.)

And the thing is… almost ALL his posturing is sexual. it’s how he wields power (from what traditionally tends to be from a weaker position)

it’s more about how he operates and fergus’s victimhood/ historical demon trauma more than it is a statement of de facto truth

he wants you to read into it

get distracted; get discomfited

just long enough to take your eye off the ball or give him the upper hand in a power struggle

[vesperalis666]

🌹 Weaving a Bond with Satan – Part 2

In theistic Satanism, it’s not about blind worship.

It’s a living, evolving relationship based on freedom, sincerity, and introspection.

No rules, no obligations. Only an inner call to know yourself, to explore, to transcend.

🕯 Whether you see Satan as a guide, a deity, or a mirror: it’s up to you to define this relationship.

🌹 Hail Satan.

[anachronistic-cat]

its episodes like this that make me wish dropout had a "like" button because holy shit man i am transcending

[cruel-hiraeth]

it’s wild to look back at how i was raised to believe that masturbation is evil and premarital sex is a grave sin and that people are supposed to repress their normal (and healthy) urges for the sake of religious piety. i’m glad i got out when i did; i think i would be a nightmare of a person if i couldn’t bust a nut on the regular LOL

[iero]

Buzzfeed is hitting me with the Steve Buscemi in Spy Kids quote…

[hippolotamus]

Inspiration Sunday Sentences

My turn to take my queer feels out on our freshly minted Bi Buck 🩷💜💙

tagged by the lovely @stereopticons @loserdiaz @tizniz @filet-o-feelings @diazsdimples @ladydorian05 @theotherbuckley absolutely loving everything you're putting out in the world (and obviously tagging you right back)

Next is the bisexual pride pin from Eddie that he prominently displays on his work duffle. Chris gives Buck his own gift, a Binosaur tee shirt that makes them both giggle. There’s a pink, purple and blue fidget spinner ring from Chim. A snapback embroidered with ‘I put the bi in bitch’ from Hen and Karen.

Athena bakes him cupcakes with tiny pride flags stuck in the frosting that’s also dusted with rainbow sugar crystals. Buck definitely never tells her how they unintentionally lead to the best sex he’s had in years after Tommy witnessed him shoving the entire treat in his mouth in one go.

Through his adult life, Buck has developed a certain taste for his personal decor and style. It’s rather minimalist, but it works for him. Still, he finds he enjoys adding these gifts of support and love from his family.

np tagging (lmk if you want added or removed) @shipperqueen6 @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @bidisasterbuckdiaz @actuallyitsellie @bi-buckrights @chaosandwolves @daffi-990 @elvensorceress @epicbuddieficrecs @eowon @fortheloveofbuddie @bucksbiawakening @giddyupbuck @saybiwithme @hoodie-buck @jesuisici33 @indestructibleheart @jesuisici33 @thekristen999 @lemonzestywrites @lizzie-bennetdarcy @loveyouanyway @monsterrae1 @rmd-writes @spaceprincessem @spotsandsocks @steadfastsaturnsrings @the-likesofus @theplaceyoustillrememberdreaming @thewolvesof1998 @vanillahigh00 @watchyourbuck @weewootruck @welcometololaland @wikiangela @wildlife4life @your-catfish-friend @honestlydarkprincess @queerbuckleys and anyone else who wants to 😘

[blue1risfl0wer]

If in death my atheist beliefs are proven wrong; I shall not beg for forgiveness. God shall grovel at my feet. If God cannot prove His existence in life, why would I accept Him in death.

[star-struck09]

I’m so fucking tired of everything.

[snzydarling]

I don't think u guys will like my next fic apologies in advance

[qoldenskies]

What did you put in cc!don to make everyone (me included) so obsessed with him? crack cocaine? Can i have some

i assume you're being comedic and not critical but i actually think the crack cocaine in question is projection /pos. he's definitely not a character i would write if this weren't an inherently derivative story (i do have an original character with a lot of similar issues, but she's brimming with neuroticism and i go out of my way to make her comedic lmao... cc is not a story in general that i could tell if it weren't a fanfic, because structuring stories with original characters is much different) but i do think he's carried along by that. people already know donnie intimately, and a lot of people relate to him, and then here's a version of him that's been broken down so thoroughly and lost all of his "usefulness", still loved with no caveats.

i think it's the appeal of hurt/comfort, and it's something i played into heavily-- in a way it's an experience where you can just pour love into yourself without having to feel guilty about it. here's a little guy with all your issues and more, and here's him receiving the love you desperately want and deserve (because you do. yes you). some parts in cw are deliberately unrealistic for the sake of providing catharsis, and it's because i understand this intimately. they make them better to write and to read tbh. people will play around with the logic of all types of things to make them more compelling in stories (pretty much everything related to action and injuries, for example) so why cant i go as hard as possible on the comfort scenes too? and if it is, why is that kind of thing only reserved to the romance genre, anyway? kill amatonormativity now

anyways i think he's comforting because his issues are mostly self-destructive, and he does hurt people but it's not really his fault, and despite everything, no matter how much he begs and pleads not to be, he is loved. i think pushing people away and being thought about and loved anyway is what a lot of people desire more than anything-- to not have to beg for it, because then it feels selfish. he's a very easy character to pour all my pain into when im having a bad day, and im sure i'm not the only one who feels like that with the way other people talk about him. i think

[sea-buns]

Holy fuck, man. What a trip Fearne has been on, huh?

You tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life, you flatter her, you tell her you need her, that you have to do this together. You have her make a promise that has this woman, born of chaos and fey, agreeing through shaking hands and a trembling voice.

You make her deceive your friends; you make her follow where they cannot know; you make her help you into this contraption; you make her feed this thing into you despite the fact that you both have been warned extensively of the risks. You make her watch you crumble and splinter and shatter and fracture and burst and implode. You make her watch you die, over and over and over and over, for a minute in agonizing bullet time.

You make her do all these things, because when she tries to back out, when she tries to not be the one who let you do this—how could you do this—

you tell her, "YOU PROMISED."

Because if there's one thing you know, it's that the fey do not break a promise.

[clothless-sock]

I LIKE MY BLORBOS SAD, ILL AND MONSTROUS GODAMMIT!!!!!

[roomba-mangga]

logging off to finish sun hides ch2 yeehaw